My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

A New Normal

I’ve decided to start a blog.  I know, original huh?  Honestly though, it is easier than writing in a journal..I’m likely to be more faithful.  So this endeavor is for myself, for my children and for all of you out there that are dying to hear what I have to say :-).

You see, 12 weeks ago I became a widow.  It is still difficult to say that out loud.  His death was sudden..a head on collision.  A driver, confused, was going the wrong way on a highway that my husband had traveled to work on for over 6 years.

The funeral and burial are done, family and friends have gone home, finances are being put in order, the shock and fog have lifted and now I’m wondering, what now? It seems the whole world has moved on, but my grief is just beginning.   The tears are even less frequent, but sometimes the pain is just too deep to even cry.

Of course the every day responsibilities have never stopped.  I have five children that must be taken care of …I must help them with their grief, provide for them, try to keep their life the same as much as possible.   I have work…people depend on me every day to show up.   The realities of being a single parent are setting in.  It’s hard, harder than I ever imagined.  My weaknesses are glaring.  The reality of not having a partner is setting in..the list is endless on what I miss about him, and it keeps getting longer every day.

However, other realities are setting in too.  The first being the reality of the Hope I have in Christ and His Resurrection. This Hope is more real to me then it has ever been.  Without this Hope, I would surely go insane.  Death is so horrible, and so final that to have no Hope beyond death is incomprehensible to me.  The other reality is that I am truly seeing what my family/friends/fellow believers are made of.  You know, the ones that call you every day just to make a connection, the ones that listen while you cry on the phone as yet another wave of grief threatens to swallow you, the ones that listen to you complain and whine about your lot but never judge you, the ones that show up at your door every friday evening just so you won’t be alone.  Yeah, these people have always been a reality in my life, I just didn’t know how amazing they were.

For the past 12 weeks I have read several books.  A book on Heaven, books about grieving..etc.   Every one of them helpful in their own way.  And of course God’s Word.  Lots of people out there have been through terrible things, way worse than my circumstance.  But what I’m realizing is that grief is grief,  yet its very personal and each person experiences it differently, but the same.  As one writer put it, I have entered into the “House of Mourning”.  I had no idea how many people were already there.  People I see every day, people I’ve known for years.  They are mourning..now I am mourning with them.  There is comfort in this House of Mourning.  Comfort that you are not alone.  But there is shame too, shame that I never noticed these mourning people around me before, never understood the depth of their grief, or took the time to try and understand it.

So as I begin my journey of grief, and I do think I’m just beginning, and as I struggle to find a new normal for me and my kids, I hope you will give me grace..I’ve never walked this road before.  I’ll strive to be honest, and I will strive to always point to Christ..He is  my only hope in all of this.

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5 Comments

  1. I’m so glad you’re doing this. May the Lord give you enormous strength – especially as you deal with grief not just for yourself, but for the kids. The Lord brings you to mind often even though I haven’t seen you for 20+ years. You are a beautiful example as your hope for eternity shines through clearly.

  2. Kari M.

    Kudos to you dear friend. HE’s already receiving the glory!

  3. Pamala Price

    This is beautiful, Nicole, and I look forward to more. I pray for you and think of you every day, and particularly in the stage of parenting teens and young adults. Thank you for sharing so that we can better understand and comfort and pray for you and others in similar situations. Chris was a really special guy! And his influence continues on. He sure loved you!!

  4. “…but sometimes pain is just too deep to even cry.”
    God in heaven, this is so true.

    Good writing, Nicole. Thank you.

  5. Naomi

    So glad to hear your heart and glad that you are keeping this blog. Thank you for sharing with us…very good writing.

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