My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9


Everyone asks God at one time or another, Why? Even if you understand and believe in Gods sovereignty, there are times when you just want to know why. The Bible is full of men and women asking God why. We are desperate to understand why bad things happen to  good people. To me, this is where your faith begins. When evil/death seem to triumph.
I’ve asked God many times in the last 12 weeks, why? Why would you take someone who was serving you so faithfully? Why would you leave 5 children without a father at a very critical time in their lives?    My children struggle with the reality of the man who caused the accident, an alcoholic, walking away from the accident with hardly any injuries. Why would God do this? It almost as if God made a mistake.

What I do know is that God is Sovereign, God is loving and he is good.  Sometimes I think we interpret that as God is required to make our lives financially stable, problem and suffering free.  But I’m finding that our interpretation of good is different from Gods. Just like our interpretation of good for our children is far different from what their interpretation is!
Chris’s accident was not good. His death was not good.  But God will make good come out of it, and that good will be His glory.
So, in my mind, this is where the rubber meets the road concerning my faith. Will I trust God that he knows what he’s doing? Do I trust that he thinks I can parent alone?  Do I trust God that he thinks I can live without the man who guided me in all truth and understanding?   That is so easy to say when our lives seem manageable and we feel in control.  But when the rug gets yanked out from beneath us and our life falls in pieces around us, can we still say that?  I will admit that in my darkest moments I’ve had my doubts. What if Christianity is a sham? what if life really is just a set of random circumstances?

I can’t say that at every moment God seems present in my life.  Most times He seems far away.  But he has given me the faith to keep believing, to believe that His Word is true.  If I relied on my feelings I would have abandoned Christianity the day Chris died.

2Sam 7:28 “O sovereign Lord, you are God! Your words are trustworthy”



  1. Beth P

    I am so thrilled you are going to blog. You will benefit from it in ways you don’t even know yet. As well you will minister to others in a way you don’t even know yet! You are loved!

  2. Dena Smith

    You are such an inspiration and testimony of what God can do through us as we suffer grief and pain from loss. As you said, many people grieve everyday and we should be more aware and sensitive to others and their grieving. I am thankful that you have found a way to express your feelings, encourage others and share your grief. It will not only be therapeutic for others but yourself as well. God only knows the real pain you are going through, and I have known that pain as well. I too lost my husband to an accident and was left a widow many years ago. I feel your pain and know the struggle you are up against. I will keep you in my prayers and try to encourage you as much as you need me to do so. It is truly a long and arduous journey but in time, God will bless you and your family for your faithfulness and give you the strength to endure the many sleepless nights, tough days, and insecurities of what the future holds for you. Please know that I will be here if you have questions or need prayer and encouragement. God bless you and your precious family. Though I know that trust may be a very difficult thing to do right now, I will share a life verse with you that has proven to strenghen me and get me through those painful times. Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths”.

  3. Holly Palacio

    It is when we see the darkness that we understand the life of the Light. Never more fully can the Light be appreciated than in the darkness that despair and pain can bring. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and am so grateful for our Loving Lord who will not forsake you in your darkest moments.

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