My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

another “holiday” done

I know that sounds kinda depressing, but I can honestly say I am relieved to be finished with this day.  Since Chris died the kids and I have emotionally plowed through 3 holidays….our anniversary, Chris’s birthday and Fathers Day.  I am not a very creative person so it’s difficult to come up with memorable things to do.  Especially when all I would like to do is skip the day(s) all together.   I haven’t quite figured out how you “celebrate” these days without the person who is the center of it all.

We had a fairly typical Sunday.  Worship (which was very encouraging spiritually) and the kids picked a Chinese restaurant for lunch.  We actually laughed because Chris really didn’t like Chinese, so it wasn’t really in honor of him, but more in honor of him not having to go!   We shared some memories at lunch, but mostly just chatted about some future plans, how everyone was feeling and talked about todays sermon a little.  We didn’t even visit the grave, because…well…honestly, we are all just tired of doing that.  We are wondering if every holiday has to include visiting the grave?  that sounds awful.  So there you have it..a very typical boring Fathers Day for us.   And we don’t have to do it again for another whole year.

I’ve asked my kids at various times what they miss most about their Dad..the comments are simple…”I miss his hugs”, I miss his sense of humor”, “I miss the funny nicknames he had for us”, I miss him helping me with my car”,”I miss him just being around”, “I miss being able to ask him anything and he would know the answer”.    The comments are simple but profound I think.  All of them speak of security. The presence of a father is important.

I know for me I miss the teamwork of parenting..but that’s for another blog 🙂

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12 Comments

  1. I struggled with “honorable” things to do when our twins passed too. And, I too was tired of dwelling on darkness of them not being here. So, I started to just do what any little kid likes….birthday cake, favorite color, favorite flower, etc. It doesn’t have to be profound, just the little things that Chris loved that you can do to remember. Wear his favorite color, or team, or heck, even set out his favorite coffee cup or pair of slippers. It’s how I get through…and I promise, while it won’t ever be the same, it will get a little bit easier. Praying for you Nicole.

  2. Karen Shepard

    ((Hugs))

    With tears running down my face… I have thought of you and the kiddos all day.
    I have been waiting for the “right time” to share my last memory of Chris. We were waiting in the hall at school waiting for our girls to get out. Chris and I did the polite smile and hello. I always have talked more with you. I see Emma run out the doors with this huge smile to see that her Daddy was picking her up. They held hands and walked out of the school doors. It was the Monday before the accident and I will never forget it. In that very moment I saw the most loving, caring, Dad.

  3. No, every holiday doesn’t have to include visiting the grave, but sometimes you can feel guilty for not doing that. The thing is, he’s not there anyway. Eventually, I figured out that if I want to go visit the cemetery on any given day, then I just do it. And if I don’t want to go, I don’t. And I never know in advance which of those it’s going to be.

    • yeah, there is a little bit of that guilt Angela..thanks for making me feel better about that

  4. Esther Irish

    I am praying for you! I came across the news that Chris died just recently. In fact I’d read your blogs but didn’t realize it was your family. My heart breaks for you. I remember you two together and even the story of your first kiss. 🙂 It is so encouraging to see how you are clinging to the Lord in this very difficult time. Sending hugs.

  5. (((Hugs))) I’m so glad I get to give you a personal hug soon! I’ve thought about you off and on all day. It’s the “holidays” I’ve dreaded most for you and the kids. I know God will give you the grace for each day and the right amount of grace for every holiday, but it doesn’t make me hurt for you less and it doesn’t make me want to lessen your pain, your struggle. All I can do is hope that, somehow, God can use my love for you to help strengthen and encourage you even just a little. Not because I’m anything special, but because I just want your pain to go away. I don’t like it when you hurt!

    Bittersweet.

    I’m glad you all are sticking together and talking things out and figuring out how to travel this road together. I think you’re doing a tremendous job and your kiddos are so blessed to have you for a mom! I’ve always thought that! Did I ever tell you that when I grow up I want to be like you? LOL Seriously! It’s great that you guys can talk about this stuff and work through it together! Love you!

    • looking forward to seeing you Linnette

  6. Thanks for sharing with us, Nicole. Continuing to trust God to meet you in your deep pain. Love you!

  7. Holly Palacio

    Your family was in my thoughts a lot yesterday. There is no right or wrong way to do all of this, just the way that works for your family. If you want to visit the grave, visit, if not, do something that makes you smile…go swimming or putt putt golfing or sit on the deck and have a great visit with the kids. You are handling this with grace and dignity and your example to your children is forging the path for your new ‘normal’. As always, prayers are with you. Coffee is available anytime. Much love my friend.

  8. Michelle

    Thanks for sharing, Nicole. As always, praying for you all and thinking of you every day. *hugs*

  9. Susan

    I really didn’t go to my dad’s grave (he died in 1988) except for Memorial Day, I would go and weep and weep. It didn’t do me any good because I knew my dad was not there. He is in Heaven. It took time for me to be able to even say his name without crying. The last five years or so I go because my grandmother’s grave is next to my Dad’s. Although I know she is in Heaven, I do it for respect ….she visited everyone’s grave, for most of the holidays. She also grew flowers in her yard for the graves. I miss her too…it’s just different (grandma just died 7 years ago).

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