My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

Grief is bi-polar

It’s true.  And it’s annoying, frustrating and can be despairing.  Just when I think I’m making progress the waves of grief threaten to drown me again.

Yesterday was a good day.  I think I could almost say that I did not feel the ache in my chest.  There were no tears.  It was a full day.  Thoughts of Chris were in the background.  I remember thinking several times..”this is not so bad, I can do this”.  And I even had to deal with the DMV yesterday so that’s saying a lot!

Went on a run with a few friends this morning.  That was good.  Things like that seem to keep the grief manageable.  But I feel it overwhelming me again.  How can I be fine one day and the next day it feels like the first day I heard the terrible news?  Riding the waves of grief does not fit so well with my “plan everything, be organized” personality.  I do not like this “grief” thing outside of me controlling my life.  I do not like not knowing where or when I’m going to crash.

I have a full day of responsibilities today, like most people I know.  Today will be another one of those days where I do my responsibilities but on the inside I’m dying.  When will I feel a little bit normal again?  I dunno, the next wave.

Psalm 61

Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.  From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.  I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings.

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5 Comments

  1. Holly Palacio

    My dear dear friend, I have to think your experience of waves of grief are totally normal. What a testimony to the life that you and Chris made together! As you take each step, pretending your new normal is going to be okay, know that the prayers, love and support of your family friends and, most of all, our Lord, are with you. Grief is inexacapable in this life, but comfort and company in that grief is the promise. Much love, coffee is at your command, H

    • thanks Holly, so true…and one of these days, if/when the days ever give me a break I’m gonna take you up on that coffee!

  2. denise rousselo

    As you face these waves, know so many are here for you. I pray for you all daily that peace will sooner than later be the norm. As you are on this roller coaster of emotion…I vow to be there by you…assisting whenever and whereever I can. I will even hold your hand. ;).

    • thanks Denise, you already are there…and as far as holding your hand..well…I might just have to take a pass on that :-), but I appreciate the thought 🙂

  3. One thing about grief…I could brace myself and prepare for days when I expected it might be worse…birthdays, anniversaries and so on. But the days when it completely blind-sided me and left me devastated…those were hard to cope with. You are right, Nicole, it is bi-polar.

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