Grief is bi-polar
It’s true. And it’s annoying, frustrating and can be despairing. Just when I think I’m making progress the waves of grief threaten to drown me again.
Yesterday was a good day. I think I could almost say that I did not feel the ache in my chest. There were no tears. It was a full day. Thoughts of Chris were in the background. I remember thinking several times..”this is not so bad, I can do this”. And I even had to deal with the DMV yesterday so that’s saying a lot!
Went on a run with a few friends this morning. That was good. Things like that seem to keep the grief manageable. But I feel it overwhelming me again. How can I be fine one day and the next day it feels like the first day I heard the terrible news? Riding the waves of grief does not fit so well with my “plan everything, be organized” personality. I do not like this “grief” thing outside of me controlling my life. I do not like not knowing where or when I’m going to crash.
I have a full day of responsibilities today, like most people I know. Today will be another one of those days where I do my responsibilities but on the inside I’m dying. When will I feel a little bit normal again? I dunno, the next wave.
Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings.
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