My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

Kind of random

I kind of feel like I have been all over the map emotionally this week.  It has been particularly difficult.  I’m not even sure this post will have a consistent thought.

Had to pick out my husbands headstone this week.   That was difficult.   You know how weird it is to show the drawings of your husbands headstone to friends over coffee?   Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be doing that.  But you know, friends are cool that way..not even a blink of an eye, except maybe to blink a tear away…their approval was important to me..after all, who does this kind of thing on a regular basis?

I almost considered missing church this morning..my youngest has come down with chicken pox.  So very glad that I decided to go and have an older child stay home in my place.  The sermon today was exactly what I needed to hear.  It is neat how the Lord does that isn’t it?  Psalm 74.  When in pain we cry out to the Lord.  It’s okay to ask God  “why?”  He’s God, he can handle it.  Asking God why doesn’t mean your faith is in jeopardy.   We are to go boldly before the throne of Grace.

Those are some thoughts that I came away with today.  So encouraging.

Heard from a dear friend this morning that her father just found out he has cancer.  My heart broke.  really?  yet another reminder that the world keeps going, suffering is still here.  O how I long for Him to come.

Looked through some pictures this week.  Not sure if this was good or bad.  Still cannot believe how much I miss him.  He is constantly in all of our conversations and thoughts.  But the realization is also starting to really set in that our lives must go on without him.  Somehow.  I feel at times that I am forgetting what his voice sounded like, his laugh, etc. and I need to look at a picture to remind me of some of those things.  It has only been three months, but I feel like it has been 3 years.  Every day seems like forever.

I was asked this week, by a friend, what stage of grief she thought I was in.  I didn’t know, I haven’t really been thinking about stages.  So of course I had to look them up.   I think its kinda funny that someone has decided that there are stages…I looked at the “stages” and my first thought was “well, I sure mess up that theory”…I have experienced those and then have gone back and experienced some of them again..it seems like a cycle to me, not stages.  A cycle that is never-ending.

In your disappointment when your heart is torn with grief, 
In your times of sorrow when there’s no relief; 
Just remember there is One who knows the load you bear, 
Take it to the Lord in prayer. 

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6 Comments

  1. I remember studying about the “Stages of Grief”, probably in psychology….as if you do it the right way and then you are finished with it. Even back then I knew it was nonsense. Grief is a cycle. All you can hope to do is keep moving and not get stuck somewhere.

    • that’s exactly what it seems like to me Angela…I suppose at some time in the future, points in the cycle won’t feel so painful. I’m hoping I don’t get stuck in depressed phase..ughhh.

  2. Jess

    I definitely think the “stages” are cyclical… and can all be mixed together at once. And, for other losses we face in life, that are ongoing, like chronic health problems or kids’ special needs.. or a host of other things, even forgiveness— those things are never-ending in grieving, but need to be sorted through continually.

  3. Jeanne Keller

    Just a note to assure you that your grief is “normal” and there is no way to describe it in nice, neat language and cycles. That feeling of being on the roller-coaster, up some days and down some days, and totally unpredictable, is one of the most difficult things to live with. You are doing well to be functioning on a day to day basis! Give yourself all the time and space you need and be gentle with yourself on the days you feel ovewhelmed with loss and sadness. Waves of grief, and fear that it will never end, seem like a normal path for us when we suffer a huge loss as you have. I am holding you in prayer daily and also hoping the chicken pox is not too bad for your little one 🙂

    • thanks Jeanne, your posts are encouraging 🙂

  4. Jenny Collier

    Going throgh the stages seems so misleading as you have said people do go through them over and over. I read your posts and read this too and wish everyday somehow we can take your pain away, although I know that is not possible. All I know to do is try and help with the kids but please if there is something else I can do ask I love your family! I am back from Iowa so if you need anything give me a shout!
    Also Aleah’s birhday party is this sat so maybe emma could stay the night after?

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