Kind of random
I kind of feel like I have been all over the map emotionally this week. It has been particularly difficult. I’m not even sure this post will have a consistent thought.
Had to pick out my husbands headstone this week. That was difficult. You know how weird it is to show the drawings of your husbands headstone to friends over coffee? Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be doing that. But you know, friends are cool that way..not even a blink of an eye, except maybe to blink a tear away…their approval was important to me..after all, who does this kind of thing on a regular basis?
I almost considered missing church this morning..my youngest has come down with chicken pox. So very glad that I decided to go and have an older child stay home in my place. The sermon today was exactly what I needed to hear. It is neat how the Lord does that isn’t it? Psalm 74. When in pain we cry out to the Lord. It’s okay to ask God “why?” He’s God, he can handle it. Asking God why doesn’t mean your faith is in jeopardy. We are to go boldly before the throne of Grace.
Those are some thoughts that I came away with today. So encouraging.
Heard from a dear friend this morning that her father just found out he has cancer. My heart broke. really? yet another reminder that the world keeps going, suffering is still here. O how I long for Him to come.
Looked through some pictures this week. Not sure if this was good or bad. Still cannot believe how much I miss him. He is constantly in all of our conversations and thoughts. But the realization is also starting to really set in that our lives must go on without him. Somehow. I feel at times that I am forgetting what his voice sounded like, his laugh, etc. and I need to look at a picture to remind me of some of those things. It has only been three months, but I feel like it has been 3 years. Every day seems like forever.
I was asked this week, by a friend, what stage of grief she thought I was in. I didn’t know, I haven’t really been thinking about stages. So of course I had to look them up. I think its kinda funny that someone has decided that there are stages…I looked at the “stages” and my first thought was “well, I sure mess up that theory”…I have experienced those and then have gone back and experienced some of them again..it seems like a cycle to me, not stages. A cycle that is never-ending.
In your disappointment when your heart is torn with grief,
In your times of sorrow when there’s no relief;
Just remember there is One who knows the load you bear,
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
- Posted in: Uncategorized