Warning, this is not pretty, not “spiritual”, it just is what it is.
So, I believe it’s here. This depression that has been lurking for the last month. I’ve been dreading it, pushing it back, ignoring it. But it’s here, I can no longer avoid it. I hate feeling depressed. Hate it more than anything I can think of. My husband struggled with depression most of our married life. There’s a stigma that comes with depression when you are a christian….yeah, basically you’re not walking with the Lord, or some even went as far as to say that he had let demons rule his life. Helpful huh? Nothing like pushing someone deeper into the dark hole they are already in. Anyway, over the years he learned more about the different kinds of depression and got some medical help. These days I have a whole new appreciation for my husband and what he struggled with. He still did every day life without complaint. He had an amazing compassion for those who struggled in this area..he understood them and wanted to give them hope. True Hope.
Thing is, Chris is not here to help me get through this. He’s not here to tell me that its gonna be okay.
My life has been reduced to an endless amount of responsibilities. Responsibilities don’t seem like such a big deal when you have someone to share them with. Raising children doesn’t seem so daunting when you have someone to share the burden with. I’m trying to figure out now what the point of everything is? Before, Chris and I were building a life together. We had even starting talking about what it would be like when all the kids were gone…what ministries we would be involved in, places we would like to go. Now the thought of my house being empty is terrifying. The thought of doing anything by myself is depressing.
My children are all still anticipating their lives..looking forward to their future, and they should, and I will help them every step of the way. But a part of me wants to hold them back, that little selfish, self preserving part of me.
I hope this “step” in the grieving process is not one I have to revisit often. I hope it doesn’t last long, but my feelings tell me otherwise. The chasm seems dark and deep. I know others have walked this before me and have come out fine on the other side. I’m doing my best to remember that.
“… It is the LORD who goes before you.
He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.
Do not fear or be dismayed.”
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