4 months…so short, but so long
Thursdays mark my weeks and the 22nd mark my months. Strange how a tragedy in your life can do that. It is also strange how four months can seem like an eternity. It seems like so much has happened but in reality only one event happened….one terrible, horrible event.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the past…like when our children were born, anniversaries, vacations, the mundaneness of life that was so great before 4 months ago. Maybe this “stage” of grief is wishing I could go back in time. Wishing he would have gone to work just five minutes later that morning, wishing I would have given him a tighter hug before he left. Just wishing we could go back 4 months and somehow change the course of events for that horrible day.
I’m still skeptical that “time heals”. In many ways it seems harder. The responsibilities are endless, the loneliness is a huge deep chasm, and exhaustion has become the norm. It’s a very weird phenomenon..on the outside you keep going, on the inside you wonder who you are and what is the point?
These last couple of weeks have also been difficult spiritually. Not that I’m doubting my faith, or the reality of the gospel. I’m not sure if it has to do with exhaustion but I feel as if I am just in survival mode. Honestly, I don’t even feel like reading my Bible. I’m too tired. My brain doesn’t seem to work so well…to process thoughts or think too deeply takes too much energy. In the last several weeks I have found that running gives me relief from depression. How bizarre is that? I’m too tired to read my Bible but I can go run. I’ll let someone else figure that out.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
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