My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

4 months…so short, but so long

Thursdays mark my weeks and the 22nd mark my months.  Strange how a tragedy in your life can do that.  It is also strange how four months can seem like an eternity.  It seems like so much has happened but in reality only one event happened….one terrible, horrible event.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the past…like when our children were born, anniversaries, vacations, the mundaneness of life that was so great before 4 months ago.   Maybe this “stage” of grief is wishing I could go back in time.  Wishing he would have gone to work  just five minutes later that morning, wishing I would have given him a tighter hug before he left.  Just wishing we could go back 4 months and somehow change the course of events for that horrible day.

I’m still skeptical that “time heals”.  In many ways it seems harder.  The responsibilities are endless, the loneliness is a huge deep chasm, and exhaustion has become the norm.   It’s a very weird phenomenon..on the outside you keep going, on the inside you wonder who you are and what is the point?

These last couple of weeks have also been difficult spiritually.  Not that I’m doubting my faith, or the reality of the gospel.  I’m not sure if it has to do with exhaustion but I feel as if I am just in survival mode.  Honestly, I don’t even feel like reading my Bible.  I’m too tired.  My brain doesn’t seem to work so well…to process thoughts or think too deeply takes too much energy.    In the last several weeks I have found that running gives me relief from depression.  How bizarre is that?  I’m too tired to read my Bible but I can go run.  I’ll let someone else figure that out.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 
    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, 
     he refreshes my soul. 
He guides me along the right paths 
    for his name’s sake. 
 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley, 
I will fear no evil, 
    for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.



  1. I was reading in Psalm 61 earlier this week and the Lord brought you to mind, NIcole. “Hear my cry, O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to Thee when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For Thou hast been a refuge for me, A tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in Thy tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Thy wings.”

    Thanks for your honest blog post – I’m praying that you feel the shelter of the Rock and the comfort of His wings, especially when your feelings are at their lowest.

  2. In my experience, time doesn’t heal. It may occasionally allow a scab to grow over the wound, but it is fragile and easily broken open. I think you just have to live with the wound. And I don’t want to. Sending hugs and prayers to you.

  3. Jeanne Keller

    Thinking of you this morning and saying a prayer that you will continue to find your way on this difficult journey, day by day, sometimes hour by hour. You might like a book I have come to love called “A Lamp in the Darkness, Illuminating the Path Through Difficult Times” by Jack Kornfield. It is small and and easy to read with nuggets of wisdom. Love and light to you!

    • thanks Jeanne, I will look into getting that book

  4. Survival mode. That’s something I’m all too familiar with. I’m not sure I’d even know how to live “normally”. Honestly! There is therapy in doing things that take no thought when the emotions are running high or even when you’re feeling numbe. While writing is hugely cathartic, so is doing something physically mundane. For me, it’s unloading or loading the dishwasher or sorting/folding laundry. Since you clean all the time, running fits that bill for you. The nice thing about running is that you push your body to the limit without thinking about it. Your mind can wander or you can let it remain numb while you take in your surroundings that have absolutely nothing to do with you or your life. Or you can talk to God and give him opportunity to talk to you without interruption. When I was able to, I’d work in the yard, pulling weeds, planting flowers, mulching roses, pruning… Now, I write, edit, play with my blogs or FB pages.

    As far as healing in time, what is time? Everyone heals in their own way and in their own time. But don’t mistake healing for never feeling pain. There will always be moments when the pain is crushing and you just have to have a good cry. They become more infrequent with time, but they still come. The type of pain might shift and change. When my brother lost his triplets, I thought, “How can life go on? How can you just keep living when you have this horrific loss and all this pain inside?” But somehow you do and somehow the doing helps – eventually. Just don’t try to douse the grief. Cry when you need to cry. Laugh when you need to laugh. Don’t let anybody tell you to “get over it already” or ask you “how can you just go on as if nothing happened?”.

    One of my greatest comforts has always been, God knows. Jesus knows. Even if the rest of the world is oblivious, doesn’t care, has moved on, or judges you, God knows the truth. “Jesus wept.” And he loves me beyond measure! That’s a huge comfort! And I know he loves you beyond measure, too. Jesus wept over Lazarus even knowing he would raise him from the dead. He’s no stranger to grief. He gets it!

    (((Hugs))) I love you!

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