My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

lost identity

I know in this day and age people worry about losing their identity when they get married.  I can honestly say that I found mine when I got married.  I grew so much when I got married and had children.  I learned so much about myself.  Chris truly gave me the freedom to be who the Lord wanted me to be.  He was always encouraging me to try new things, always encouraging me to learn new things.  I hope I did the same for him.  We grew together, learned together.  We were parents together.  We made friends together.  We prayed together.  We laughed together.  We ministered together. We worshiped together.  I guess my identity was our togetherness.  I haven’t a clue if this was normal or healthy, it’s just the way it was for us and I loved it.  I loved how we could look across the room at a church potluck or family gathering and know what the other person was thinking.  I loved how we argued about something only to finally agree that we were saying the same thing.  I loved how we could sit at the kitchen table for hours and talk about anything and everything.

Now I truly feel as if I have lost my identity.  I dont’ know where I fit in.  Or who I fit in with.  In almost every situation Chris was my comic relief.  He was funny and could relieve the tension instantly.   He was also amazingly intelligent..something I relied heavily upon.  Whenever I would get myself in a theological mess he would clear it up for me.  Whenever a huge dilemma came up with our kiddos, our finances or friends..he would know how to counsel.  He had the gift of discernment for sure.  And before anyone thinks that I’m painting this picture of an angel, don’t worry.  He had his faults like we all do.  Is it possible to miss someones faults?  I do believe it is.

I guess all this is to say is that when you lose a spouse, you lose the one person in your life who kinda covered for you in your weakness, and now they are gone and all your weaknesses are glaring.  I am not the same person I was 4 months ago.  I’m weaker, more vulnerable.  There’s no one to cover for me.

I don’t know where I’m going with this except to say to all my friends and family….be patient with me…please.  I know some of you don’t know what to do with me…be comforted..I don’t know what to do with me either :-).  But the Lord does.  I’m not big on change.  I’m one of those boring people who likes everything the same all of the time.  So much for my comfort zone.

This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge,

my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him

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8 Comments

  1. This makes me wonder something….how do people who never knew my son see me? Do they wonder if I am ever going to “get over it”? Can they possibly understand? Can they understand my grief for someone they did not know?

    I never knew Chris, so I only ever knew you, not you and Chris, not the two of you. Does that make any sense at all? In one way, I see you, and as before without Chris, and there is no difference. But in another way, more a feeling than a seeing, there is all the difference in the world.

    I can’t explain this feeling, this wondering, at all. I wish I could. But with it, I feel a fear, I think it is a fear of people not understanding.

    • it is really hard not to be fearful about that Angela….

  2. tom keck

    DAUGHTER, GOD WILL DIRECT YOUR STEPS AS HE HAS ALWAYS DONE.CHRIS LEFT THIS WORLD FOR A BETTER PLACE HE LONGED FOR. I LOOK AT THE PICTURES OF YOU GUYS AND THE KIDS EVERY DAY. I AM SO PROUD THAT YOU ARE MY FAMILY. YES THE HURT IS STILL VERY MUCH THERE BUT OUR GOD COMFORTS ME AND I KNOW I WILL SEE MY SON AGAIN ! WE WILL HAVE ETERNITY TO WORSHIP AND LOVE OUR SAVIOR . WE LOVE YOU GUYS

  3. Pamala Price

    My heart is with you, sister. I have been thinking of you a lot these past few days…and praying for you. I’m praying now for you to sleep really, really well tonight. I’m glad the running (and the endorphins that boost one’s emotions) has been helpful. I feel with you about the heavy work load of the single mom, and especially in the areas of advice to the older ones and financial decisions, paperwork and anything official. Today in Walmart I saw a flag display box and wondered if you needed it; later with Kim here she said you have a display case already. That part of the ceremony was really meaningful, and it was a first for me to experience at Chris’ body’s burial. Every day I pray for you. I really appreciate your posts. Thank you for sharing yourself. You are a hero. Really. Your strength is in your trust in our Almighty One. You go, girl!!!

    • thanks Pam..yes, sleep has been a huge issue the past several days. Really not getting much. The insomnia is pretty bad and frustrating. And yes, I do have a display case…handmade..it’s beautiful. I still haven’t got it all put together..I’m thinking that will be a project for this winter.

  4. Karen Zimmerman

    My heart is heavy for you and your children. I know prayer will help get you through but it won’t solve everything, the day to day and life’s little mundane problems. Your steadfastness and faith will help carry you and guide you. Just know that a church family and loved ones are praying for you as well and are willing to help any way we can. Just let us know if there is something we can do.

  5. I hear your heart and all I can say to what you wrote is, it’s so true! And it’s right.! I don’t understand why when there are so many broken familes God has chosen to take good fathers and mothers – 4 that I know in the past 18 months. This is one of the things I’ve really wrestled with. I hate that you lost your best friend/your identity as I hate it for my other friends!!! But I think what a tragedy it would be if you didn’t feel this way about your loss. (((Hugs)))

    • Not that I want you to feel this way. Ugh! Sorry. The family came in all at once and swarmed me right as I was posting this. So, anything that sounds bad, just take it the best way you can. Please! *shakes head at self*

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