I know in this day and age people worry about losing their identity when they get married. I can honestly say that I found mine when I got married. I grew so much when I got married and had children. I learned so much about myself. Chris truly gave me the freedom to be who the Lord wanted me to be. He was always encouraging me to try new things, always encouraging me to learn new things. I hope I did the same for him. We grew together, learned together. We were parents together. We made friends together. We prayed together. We laughed together. We ministered together. We worshiped together. I guess my identity was our togetherness. I haven’t a clue if this was normal or healthy, it’s just the way it was for us and I loved it. I loved how we could look across the room at a church potluck or family gathering and know what the other person was thinking. I loved how we argued about something only to finally agree that we were saying the same thing. I loved how we could sit at the kitchen table for hours and talk about anything and everything.
Now I truly feel as if I have lost my identity. I dont’ know where I fit in. Or who I fit in with. In almost every situation Chris was my comic relief. He was funny and could relieve the tension instantly. He was also amazingly intelligent..something I relied heavily upon. Whenever I would get myself in a theological mess he would clear it up for me. Whenever a huge dilemma came up with our kiddos, our finances or friends..he would know how to counsel. He had the gift of discernment for sure. And before anyone thinks that I’m painting this picture of an angel, don’t worry. He had his faults like we all do. Is it possible to miss someones faults? I do believe it is.
I guess all this is to say is that when you lose a spouse, you lose the one person in your life who kinda covered for you in your weakness, and now they are gone and all your weaknesses are glaring. I am not the same person I was 4 months ago. I’m weaker, more vulnerable. There’s no one to cover for me.
I don’t know where I’m going with this except to say to all my friends and family….be patient with me…please. I know some of you don’t know what to do with me…be comforted..I don’t know what to do with me either :-). But the Lord does. I’m not big on change. I’m one of those boring people who likes everything the same all of the time. So much for my comfort zone.
This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge,
my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him
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