This single parenting gig stinks post #2
I’m kinda wondering how often this topic will come up in my journaling/blogging. It was a little over a month ago that I first wrote about it. Yup, it still stinks. It’s hard, really hard.
My husband has been memorialized in the minds of my children as this Dad who allowed them to do anything they wanted, who never became frustrated or angry with them. While I am the parent who enforces rules, demands respect, requires chores to be completed in a timely manner and goes off the deep end occasionally (ok, maybe more than occasionally). Now I would like to be able to say that these thoughts, that are sometimes vocalized by my children, are “like water off a ducks back”. That would be the mature reaction, right? In my mind I understand why they feel that way, but in my emotions I wanna slap someone. Chris to be specific. I know, it’s irrational to be mad at a dead person, but I am.
Is this the angry phase of grief? cause I think I’m there.
My children have no idea the countless times I pleaded on their behalf to their father, for a punishment to be lighter, for the grounding to be made shorter, to just give them one more chance, not because Chris was some big meanie, but because I was their mom and I hated to see them suffer. But guess who got the credit when the “sentence” was lightened? you guessed it. Not that that was intentional on Chris’ part, after all, our goal was to always present a united front..but somehow that is backfiring on me now….there is no more united front.
So now I am left dealing with my childrens anger, that is somehow all my fault. I was never very good at taking the blame, but I don’t know who else to pass it on to…God? Believe me, he’s heard plenty of my frustration and anger.
So at the end of each day, when the tears come, when the burden feels too heavy, the Lord brings this verse to mind “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” I realize that he is helping to ease this burden through friends who are beginning to invest in the lives of my children and through friends and family who listen to my frustrations day after day. I am not alone and for that I am thankful…very thankful.
Remember the phrase that Hillary Clinton kinda became famous for? “it takes a village?” As much I hate to end a blog post with a quote from Hillary Clinton…I have to say..she’s kinda right. As humbling as it is, never in my life have I needed my “village” more than now.
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