My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

This single parenting gig stinks post #2

I’m kinda wondering how often this topic will come up in my journaling/blogging.  It was a little over a month ago that I first wrote about it.  Yup, it still stinks.  It’s hard, really hard.

My husband has been memorialized in the minds of my children as this Dad who allowed them to do anything they wanted, who never became frustrated or angry with them. While I am the parent who enforces rules, demands respect, requires chores to be completed in a timely manner and goes off the deep end occasionally (ok, maybe more than occasionally).  Now I would like to be able to say that these thoughts, that are sometimes vocalized by my children, are “like water off a ducks back”.   That would be the mature reaction, right? In my mind I understand why they feel that way, but in my emotions I wanna slap someone.  Chris to be specific.  I know, it’s irrational to be mad at a dead person, but I am.

Is this the angry phase of grief?  cause I think I’m there.

My children have no idea the countless times I pleaded on their behalf to their father, for a punishment to be lighter, for the grounding to be made shorter, to just give them one more chance, not because Chris was some big meanie, but because I was their mom and I hated to see them suffer.  But guess who got the credit when the “sentence” was lightened?  you guessed it.  Not that that was intentional on Chris’ part, after all, our goal was to always present a united front..but somehow that is backfiring on me now….there is no more united front.

So now I am left dealing with my childrens anger, that is somehow all my fault.  I was never very good at taking the blame, but I don’t know who else to pass it on to…God?  Believe me, he’s heard plenty of my frustration and anger.

So at the end of each day, when the tears come, when the burden feels too heavy, the Lord brings this verse to mind “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.”   I realize that he is helping to ease this burden through friends who are beginning to invest in the lives of my children and through friends and family who listen to my frustrations day after day.  I am not alone and for that I am thankful…very thankful.

Remember the phrase that Hillary Clinton kinda became famous for?  “it takes a village?”  As much I hate to end a blog post with a quote from Hillary Clinton…I have to say..she’s kinda right.  As humbling as it is, never in my life have I needed my “village” more than now.

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3 Comments

  1. Linda Cummings

    Nicole….I went to high school with Chris and have been reading your blog. I’m also related to Vickie…your running partner. I just want you to know that many people….even those you don’t know are continuing to pray for you. You and your family are in my thoughts and on my heart often. I just can’t even imagine what you all are going through. I pray that though things will never be the same, with time things will get easier for you and the kids. I just felt the need to tell you that you are in people’s prayers. God bless you!

    • thank you so much Linda..I remember you and Vickie has mentioned you..such a small world isn’t it? Thank you so much for your continued prayers, that really means a lot. I have so many great people in my life…I feel very blessed.

  2. Oh, Nicole! If there was any way for me to lighten your load… I know how frustrating it is to be the “bad guy”! Not fun! I’m so glad to hear others are starting to get involved in helping your kids. You shouldn’t have to go it alone and I’m glad people are stepping up. I get frustrated sitting here a thousand miles away and unable to even hug you or just blow off steam over a cup of tea. 🙂 You’re never out of my mind for long. My heart still cries to God for you. I doubt it will ever stop. Love you, dear friend!

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