Time has become my enemy
When Chris was alive time was something we always coveted. Time together. There just never seemed to be enough time for the two of us. On a rare friday evening when all the kids would be gone, we would be kinda lost for a bit..now what? It was always so nice to spend a quiet evening watching a movie or chatting or just each doing our own project in a quiet house.
I have found myself, so many times, since Chris died, trying to get everything done during the week so that “we” can have the weekend for us and for family stuff….only to realize too late that I’m striving for nothing. It’s a sick feeling I get in my stomach every time. Time has become my enemy. There is either not enough time to get everything done, or there is too much time ahead of me.
Projects around the house don’t have near the same meaning as when I shared them with the person who had the same amount of vested interest. Now house projects have been relegated to just filling the time. Don’t get me wrong…I’m a sucker for a good house project…but I have found that the finished result is not near as exciting when you have no one to share it with.
This re-prioritizing your life when you become a widow is no small task. I have yet to figure out why I’m still doing the things I do every day. Yes, I have 5 children to care for, and that is huge. So most of what I do is for them. But when Chris was here he came first in all I did. It was his clothes that I ironed, his favorite meals that I cooked, and him that I looked forward to talking to at the end of every day. I assumed he would always be here. My children will eventually leave.
So right now, my children are my first priority…I get that. And as joyful/tiring/frustrating as that can be I’m thankful for them..not sure where I would be without them. But beyond that, there seems to be no purpose. I’m sure eventually I will have some other purpose besides being a wife but is it too honest to say that I just wish I was still a wife? I really liked being a wife.
I am very thankful for the time I had to be a wife, and now I pray for God’s grace as I try to go on not being a wife. It’s weird, it’s lonely and at times frightening..but I still believe God is sovereign. I still believe in His goodness. I have not doubted either of those for a minute. I’m not trying to be prideful, but His Word is true…to doubt His sovereignty and goodness is the scariest thing that my mind can entertain..so I’d rather not.
So while, right now, time seems to be the enemy, I pray at some point I can accept it as a gift from God and cherish it and use it for His glory.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
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