something. Not sure what, but today seems like a huge accomplishment in my mind. I couldn’t tell you how I got here, but I’m here. I look outside…it’s beautiful out. If he was here I would have suggested a walk on this beautiful day. At first he would have tried to convince me to stay in bed (I am not someone who lounges in bed), then he would have said, “let’s have coffee first”. Inevitably he would succumb to my pestering and off we would go. He was so good to me like that. Never complained about doing things with me, even if he didn’t want to. But tease me? yes, he always teased. His kind way of letting me know that we could be comfortably wrapped in blankets sipping our coffee and reading instead of being wrapped in hoodies battling the Kansas wind.
6 months today. 6 MONTHS. 6 months is such a long time. 6 months is such a short time. That is half of a year. All of my children are half a year older. I am half a year older. The summer is over. Fall is here. It’s weird how much has happened in the last 6 months. Much of it is a blur to me.
I had to tell someone this week, for the first time, that I was a widow. It was awkward. I felt bad for the other person, I felt odd saying it, I felt mad that I even had to say it. I hate seeing the pity in someones eyes. It’s difficult to accept this new identity and deal with the odd things people say.
Over the past six months I have made some new friends, people who have come into my life and have just been there. That simply amazes me. I truly believe that God gifts certain people to walk with the grieving, I know, because I have met them. I didn’t know them before but I know them now. Over the past six months I have seen the body of Christ wrap its arms around me and just support me..if this had happened at another point and time in my life that would not be happening. These past six months I have seen that my friends are truly my friends. They have been there and are still there. People in my family have stepped forward and been there for advice and support in parenting…having that outlet has been so comforting. I could write a blog alone on the gifts and support I have received over the last 6 months…it is simply a God thing. The odd thing is…I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to tell Chris about all the great things people have done for us. I want to tell him about the new friends in our life. He would be so grateful. So grateful.
I don’t know what the Lord has for me in the next 6 months. This is definitely not a journey I would have chosen. I think I’m getting a little better taking one day at a time. It’s difficult not to worry about the future, but honestly, how can I worry when I look at the last 6 months and see the proof of Him caring for me?
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
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