that “New Normal”. The new normal that seemed impossible to happen. The new normal that I didn’t want to come. The new normal that I wanted so the pain would lessen.
I don’t know that the pain has lessened. Some aspects of it have I guess. I don’t cry every day. But now the pain seems more a part of me. A part of me that rears its ugly head now and again. I read another widows blog this past week and she talked about those “emotional punches”. So appropriate and true. Your day will be going along fine then you will get that emotional punch. Like when something awesome happens with one of the kids and I pick up the phone to call him. Or when your youngest daughter tells you that she can’t remember what Daddy’s voice sounded like. Or when you find your pew at church and realize that you unintentionally saved a spot for him. Most of the time I still expect him to come up behind me in the kitchen to give a hug and whisper some silly thing in my ear. These punches bring all the pain rushing to the forefront…it’s difficult to manage and can sometimes last for days. I dread these punches, but how does one prepare for a punch?
I have gone through two seasons without Chris…Spring and Summer, and now Fall has arrived. Proof that time is moving on. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that he is not here. Honestly, I am dreading the winter. Long winter evenings used to be appealing. Cozy, usually at home. This winter the evenings are going to seem long and empty. Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am for my kids?
I’ve been sifting through pictures now and again. Pictures are a wonderful thing to have…so thankful for them. It seems ions ago that Chris and I got married and had 5 children. Looking at all the pictures of the births, raising them together, all of our different friends and family is comforting but seems like another life. I wondered why it seemed that way and I think it’s because the last 6 months have literally felt like an eternity. I hope my life with him doesn’t always seem so distant.
It’s difficult to imagine any kind of joyful future (in this life). I still have to tell myself to take one day at a time. Am I depressed? No, I don’t think so…just persevering. Persevering can feel depressing at times. We all want things to look forward to and anticipate. For me, it’s just today, and for now that’s okay.
“The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help.”
I Timothy 5:5
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