to what? I’m not sure. This looking ahead thing is difficult. More difficult than I anticipated. I’ve programmed myself for the last 7 months to think only of today. Most of the time it has worked…but thoughts of the future are creeping in. Life without my best friend, my husband, is becoming more and more real. I will admit that I have been struggling with depression again. Depression is depressing. It seriously drives me batty. Those that say dealing with depression is just a mind over matter thing…well, just let me at ’em. That haven’t a clue what they are talking about.
The winter ahead of me seems daunting. Usually fall is one of my favorite times of year. Getting ready to hunker down with warm blankets, hot drinks and the anticipation of the holidays ahead with family and friends. Yeah, not so this year. And the stupid thing is that Chris really couldn’t have cared less about the holidays or the change of the seasons. He really kinda rode on my coat tails in getting excited about all that. He always told me he was glad he married someone who got excited about all that stuff…made him happy, he was perfectly content to go with the flow, but wasn’t very good about initiating it. And I was totally fine with that..kinda meant I could have my way on most things 🙂
The thing is, is that I don’t think he, or I, realized what an important part he played in “riding on my coat tails”. He was the one who provided the stress free fun during the holidays…like the impromptu trip to the movies, or the “lets take a day and read and watch movies”, or “I’ll take the kids shopping to spend their Christmas money”, and the countless evenings we would spend, cozy in the living room, reading, visiting, or discussing things. He knew how to relax..me, I’m not so good at that. I miss him encouraging me to “sit down for a bit”.
The future beyond the winter and the holidays also seems daunting. I need a purpose beyond being a mom and cleaning houses. I sort of feel a bit restless. I know, makes no sense…my life is crazy busy every day. I’ve been toying with the idea of pursuing Nursing. I’ve got degree and had considered the idea of adding to it over the years…just never seemed like a good time. On several different occasions Chris had figured out a class schedule for me but I always backed out..I was content with my life back then. I was busy being a wife and raising little ones. But now my life and my future look different….I feel like I need a purpose that a good job would provide, and nursing has always been something I’ve been interested in. Who knows, maybe it’s too soon to decide this stuff. All I know is that it seems like I need something to focus on.
Amazing how ones life can change in an instant. Makes one thankful for what they have today. Today I am thankful for my children, being provided for and the opportunities that are there if I want to pursue them.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
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