My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

“Blessed are those who mourn…..

for they shall find relief.”

That was the line in a song we sung in church this morning.  A line taken from Matthew 5:4.

Relief would be nice.  Relief is what I long for.  I am weary.  I am soul weary.  I am physically weary.  I am weary of being lonely, I am wearing of parenting alone, I am weary of being the sole person responsible for everything.  There honestly seems to be no end in sight.  I’m told by some, those that have gone before me in this grief thing, those that write all the books, and Scripture itself, that there is relief.   It’s hard not to believe that I will feel this way forever.

For God alone my soul waits in silence;
    from him comes my salvation.
 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
    for my hope is from him.
 He only is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
 On God rests my salvation and my glory;
    my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

 Trust in him at all times, O people;
    pour out your heart before him;
    God is a refuge for us.

This.  The first line indicates Hope.  For that I am thankful.  And the line “I shall not be greatly shaken”  indicates that maybe your faith could be shaken.  Well, it can be.  When two have become one, separating them brings pain.  Great pain. I have never experienced anything in the past like it.   The loneliness of bereavement grabs hold of you and threatens to shake your faith.  I am thankful that I do not have to put my hope in how I feel, or in the world around me, but in the reality of the gospel and the lasting Hope it gives.

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7 Comments

  1. Kris

    The Lord keeps bringing you to my mind! I pray for you and your children often. Hugs to you!!!

  2. Sometimes, words fail. Sometimes, there is nothing but hope. Sometimes, all you can do is grab that hope and hold on blindly. Prayers are with you.

  3. Jeanne Keller

    I can feel the weariness in your soul, the questioning of when will you feel better, the knowing that God is always with you, yet the longing for some sense of relief from the emotional and physical stresses of grieving such a big loss, being a single parent and a distraught widow deeply missing her loving husband. I pray that you will find moments of peace as you wade through this time of questioning and hoping for needed breakthroughs and guidance. When the going gets really rough, know that there are legions of people, some you know very well and some who are essentially strangers, who are holding you up in prayer everyday and lending you strength and support. I am Karen Shepard’s Mom, and you don’t know me personally, but I belong to a church group here in Grand Rapids, MI who are praying for you and your family. We have an extended prayer group nationally that will hold you closely in prayer throughout Nov and Dec, knowing that the holidays can be especially hard for grieving families. Do just the little bit you can do when you are caught in weariness, and know it will get better, it will get easier, you will be guided by God and your own inner wisdom, and you don’t have to know all the answers right now. Be as kind and gentle with yourself as you would be to a good friend. Love to you!

    • Hi Jeanne, I didn’t know you were Karen’s mom! what a small world! thank you so much for your encouragement and prayers..I really appreciate it. I am so blessed to have so many people praying for me.

  4. Michelle Maginness

    You are a gifted writer. Many years ago I went to a music conference with my husband. That year my 3rd son was born, and we went to 6 funerals. Death was fresh on our hearts and minds. We sat next to 2 interesting individuals.One, a pastor, husband and father of 5. The other, a widow. The pastor asked her what she did. She had a bereavement ministry. I was shocked to watch him mock her and never forgot his question-“So are you one of those people who believe church is like a hospital and the hurting should be allowed to complain about their pain?” her answer, “Absolutely, absolutely.” She was a beautiful woman, inside and out who, because of her own pain, was able to show God’s love in ways that pastor was unable to yet understand. I was ministered to, just sitting next to her- knowing it was ok to be sad, knowing I wasn’t rejoicing all the time because they were in heaven, but comforted knowing it is ok for me to miss them. I needed to know I could be sad and did not have to show my “happy face, happy heart” when I felt sad. I didn’t want to sit around and whine, but I resented the fact that I had to pretend I was “joyful” and being told that was the right way to behave when grieving. The people who minister the most to others are, unfortunately the ones who experience pain. I can listen to Corrie Ten Boom talk about forgiveness because of the path she walked to learn it. It probably doesn’t help much today to hear, but your words are encouraging. You, no doubt, even if sometimes you may feel weary or even doubtful, are an encouraging anchor of faith and an anchor for your children. I hope you are saving all the things you are writing- treasures I am sure for your children- especially later on in life when they experience more!

    • thanks for that Michelle, I surely don’t feel like an anchor and all those other nice things you said. More like a whiner and a burden…but I have great friends who don’t tell me that 🙂

  5. I really like the last line Nicole. ‘the reality of the gospel’ is all we can truly count upon.

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