My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

Plodding along……

this path of grief.   Something I think a lot of people are doing this time of year.  Is it just me or does this year seem to be filled with an unusual amount of loss?  It seems every time I click on Facebook or get a phone call or read an email someone has died.  Either that, or I lived in a bubble a year ago.

Facing the holidays without Chris has been way harder than I ever imagined.  I think I thought that if I had everything all planned out I would be okay.  Yeah, it’s not working out that way.  sigh.  I’ve given in to the temptation of withdrawing a bit.  Just feel like being with my kids..maybe I should ask if they feel like being with me??? 🙂  nahhhh.  Of course they do right?

I’ve also thought a lot about The Christmas Story.  I’ve wondered how Joseph and Mary felt all those years ago…heading to Bethlehem….alone and tired probably.  What about when Herod was looking for baby Jesus and became furious when he realized he was outwitted and so killed all the baby boys in Bethlehem?  Talk about grieving and mourning.

The True Christmas story has been made into this unrealistic Hollywood picture.   Every one in the story is pretty, well dressed, sweet looking and calm.  Calm???? I can’t imagine being 9 months pregnant, riding a donkey, and then finding out I have to give birth by myself in a pile of hay, and remaining calm.  Joseph and Mary were real people, who had just been through quite an ordeal in their community.  Getting pregnant by the Holy Spirit?  Can you imagine the gossip?  I’m also fairly certain Mary didn’t get off the hook when it came to pain in childbirth.  Lets not forget that all those babies that were murdered by Herod’s men had real mothers and fathers just like the children in Newtown, Connecticut.  Yeah, all that stuff is the messy part of life…reality.   The reality that surrounded the birth of Christ.

I have found myself struggling quite a bit the last few weeks with the unfairness of what has happened in my life.  And the unfairness in my life doesn’t even compare to the unfairness in others.  Where do I place the anger, the frustration, the despair that comes?    And then I remember the little baby, the King.  Who came in the midst of suffering, to suffer and die himself, for me..for you.   I remember that I can place these feelings at the cross.  He’s already borne them for me.  He already knew, before time began, what I would need.

So this Christmas, while I still go through the motions of gifts, traditions, etc…and while The Christmas Story has always been ever so important to me..this year…well this year I feel like I see the reality of it just a little bit more ….

 For to us a child is born,to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

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4 Comments

  1. Janette Boone

    I’m just utterly amazed by you, Nicole, and your ability to bring your strife and loss and despair around to be such a meaningful lesson for us. You really have been given the gift of relaying your loss to others as a gift, which in turn, gifts the ones that hear you, with so much.

  2. you are too kind Janette…it’s just all the stuff swirling in my head. I really do wish my first response was to submit to the Lord, but it usually takes a bit of complaining and whining for me to get there 🙂

  3. Holding you and your family in my heart and in my prayers, Nicole….

  4. Karen Zimmerman

    Nicole,
    You’re writing is a gift. Thanks for your transparency and sharing, you are so brave.
    Know that our family still shares in your loss and that we are praying for you and your family at this time.

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