Is it possible….
that the fog in my brain could be lifting? Only someone who has been through the fog of grief can understand what I’m talking about. It’s difficult to explain, but when it starts clearing you are amazed that you have lived so long in the fog. I find myself looking around, not believing that I/we have survived. Being in a fog is exhausting..kind of like slogging through 10 feet of snow. Every single decision seems so difficult, even sleeping is difficult. You also don’t notice much of what is going on outside of your immediate family/needs. None of this is intentional of course, it kind of just seems to be your body going into survival mode.
Coming out of the fog is somewhat frustrating. I feel like I’ve missed 9 1/2 months of my life. There are so many people at my church that I don’t even know because they started visiting sometime in those nine months! It’s also very strange to be feeling other emotions besides grief and exhaustion…maybe a little bit of contentment or peace? I dunno. I just feel different. And it’s a relief.
Different routines have been established around here in our new normal..it’s weird to think that only 9 months ago we changed them, because now they feel normal and okay and not always tinged with sadness.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that I can actually start comprehending what’s going on in other people’s lives. It’s dawning on me that my friends lives kept going these past nine months but yet they managed to make it about me, and love me and sacrifice for me. That is very humbling. Which brings the realization again of how blessed I am.
Chris’s case is still not resolved. But that is for another blog :-). I can say that while it is not the worst case of injustice, at least currently, it still is felt deeply by my children and I. We desire justice in this life just as much as the next person. I pray for wisdom as I want to be a light in a dark world, but in my humanity want justice (even just a little) at the same time. I pray that whatever the outcome, the Lord will give my children and I peace and that we will trust in His sovereignty.
“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
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