My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

How did I make it….

this long?   I really don’t know.  One thing I’m sure of is God’s grace in my life.

For some reason this particular anniversary of Chris’s death is hard.  Ten months seem like an incredibly long time to live without your spouse, to be a single parent.   I feel a bit more confident in making decisions on my own now.  It seems like there are millions of decisions to make every day, and I will admit, it’s exhausting making them on my own.  It would be so cool to have a day where I didn’t have to decide anything 🙂

The future.  Yeah, the future.  Thinking about it still sends me into a depression. It seems long. It seems like a long time to finish raising 5 children on my own, seems like lots more decisions to make!

The weight of parenting is heavy.  I don’t have an ideal situation anymore.  Not that Chris and I were perfect parents together for sure, but it seemed like we could always improve things if we set our minds to it.  Now?  well, now there’s only one parent.  One parent to do ALL the running around, one parent to make sure you get that one on one time, one parent to help each kid walk through the waters of being a teenager, one spiritual leader, one emotional support for all. Uhhmmm, yeah, I look back at those things and I see “Fail”.   I cannot do it all.  Just can’t. This is hard for me to admit.  As much as I wanted to “keep everything the same” it’s just not happening.    Winging it is more the mode around here now.   I worry that Emma is going to have this haphazard childhood.  Will she ever have the stability the others had with devotions every day, a Dad to play with in the evening, supper as a family every night?  It doesn’t seem that way.  I mean, I always knew her childhood would be a bit different, what with her being a surprise so late in the game :-), but yeah, I did not envision this kind of different.

And then there’s this thing about visiting the cemetery.  I just don’t do it.  I feel guilty.  I hate going over there.  Don’t know what the point is.  I guess talking to dead people just doesn’t do it for me.  I know he’s not there.  Praise God he is not there.

So today, as I go throughout the day, thinking of all the good memories, being amazed that yet another month has gone by, I will pray that the Lord will give me the strength to be thankful for all I do have, and to be thankful for this pain in my life to remind me of the Hope I have in Christ.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

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3 Comments

  1. Nicole. Sigh–I wish I could give you a hug and tell you–IN PERSON!–that it will work itself out. It won’t be easy and it will be painful at times, but you will finish raising your kids and they will be fine. They will struggle, but when all is said and done, there is light, there is hope. They have a mom who loves them and is doing the best she can. They have each other. My sister was 5 when my dad died. She has very little memories of him, either by chance or choice, and at times, she misses what she never had. But she is a successful teacher now, 28 years old, working on her master’s degree. I had some horrible times, losing my dad as a teen, but I survived. I tell my kids all sorts of stories about him now. I see him in my daughters. Your journey is long and hard, but you can do it. God will help you. I promise.

    • thanks for that Jen. I’m feeling the hardness of it all today..ugh.

      • ((hugs))

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