A Grief Observed
I know grief is something I have to do. But that doesn’t make me welcome it. at. all. I hate how it permeates every part of my life. I hate how it lasts so long. I hate how it can take a day that starts out okay and turn it into a painful walk down memory lane. Grieving sucks. Big time. I don’t want to stop missing Chris I just want it to stop hurting. I am reminded often of the verse in Psalm 13 that says “How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?” YES! that is my question!
I have read Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis several times since Chris died. I cannot help but resonate with almost every line in that book.
There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. There are moments, most unexpectedly, when something inside me tries to assure me that I don’t really mind so much, not so very much, after all. Love is not the whole of a man’s life. I was happy before I ever met H. People get over these things. Come, I shan’t do so badly. One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems for a little to be making out a good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this ‘common sense’ vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace.
I remember feeling this way early on, and for months following Chris’s death..the fog is how I described it. And now I feel like I’ve been telling myself the latter of this quote.
For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
How often — will it be for always? — how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss till this moment”? The same leg is cut off time after time.
“I never realized my loss till this moment”? yeah, that’s the sucker punch part. And there’s never a warning.
God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness-box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.
Lord give me the strength.
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