My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

There is a deep silence……

that comes with losing your spouse.  It matters not if you are standing in a room full of people or in the kitchen with all your kids friends.  It’s there, always there. It’s that quiet that comes when you don’t have that person whispering something funny, or a compliment in your ear. It’s the absence of being able to catch his eye across the room and know exactly what he’s thinking. It’s the missing of that reassuring hand on your shoulder or lower back.  It’s the missing sound of his voice on the phone.  It’s the absence of that “special language” that you share only with your spouse. It’s the absence of someone breathing soundly next to you as you go to sleep at night.

Loneliness is not a surprising by product of widowhood, it’s kind of a no brainer.  But to be honest, I don’t think “lonely” is a strong enough word.

I cannot count the times I have thought of calling Chris at work to tell him something.  Not too many mornings ago I woke with a start and realized I had overslept, I immediately rolled over to tell Chris that he was going to be late for work if he didn’t get up….

My friends are AMAZING at making sure I’m not alone.  I know I’m not friendless.  And for that I am truly thankful.  Beyond thankful.  I know everyone one of them is only a phone call away.  But really friends are “just”  a buffer to the fact that I have lost my spouse.  I have lost the one person I would have leaned on when the worst thing possible I could have imagined, happened…is happening.  It’s almost like I need to roll over in bed and say in utter disbelief to Chris, “Did you hear that you died?  This would be followed, by a hug from him, a pat on the back, and some comforting words while I cried on his shoulder.   He was the person who really cared when something really great or really bad happened.  He was the person who was just as excited and saddened by the milestones of our kids, and now he is someplace else . The person who was just as invested in my life is enjoying everlasting comfort while I slug it out down here on my own.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:35-39

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4 Comments

  1. I’m so sorry, Nicole. I remember my mother saying that people would try to comfort her by telling her that she still had her children. Yes, she knew that and was glad, but she didn’t haver her best friend. It was, and still is sometimes, as she never remarried, very lonely for her. When Randy was deployed, it was awful, awful, awful to not have my friend and sounding board. I used to think, “Oh my, this is how it was/is for Mom all the time.” There are no words I have to heal you. I wish I did. I do have prayers though and those I send to you with love.

    • Thanks Jen..yeah, having your kids is not the same..I’m so glad I have them, but they do not take the place of Chris. I know the loneliness will never go away and sometimes that just overwhelms me….sigh. Thanks for your prayers

      • ((hugs))

  2. linnettemullin

    (((Hugs))) from afar…

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