My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

If I could quit…

I would.  And I’m not a quitter.

I really feel like the joke is on me when it comes to parenting.  I know, a totally faithless comment to make.  But I’m not feeling too full of faith and confidence in my parenting right now.  After all these years of parenting, and this last 15 months of single parenting I have yet to figure out what the point of parenting is.  I am pretty sure though, that it isn’t for the kids.

This is where the rubber meets the road for me when it comes to bitterness.  I’m angry. There, I said it.  Take my husband, take my possessions, even take my health, but mess with my children and you’ve just crossed the line.  For a mother, her children are everything to her.  We literally sacrifice our bodies for these other humans.  Every minute of our lives is spent nurturing them, praying for them, worrying about them and teaching them.   The return is not so great.  Not yet anyway.   Well, you say, maybe if you had taught them better….yeah, don’t go there, I’ve already been there in my head, a million times over.  I’ve reviewed every method of parenting invented and wondered if we had tried some of them if the results would be different.Truth is, I’ve yet to see a method that is fool-proof.  The only thing that brings godly results is a regenerated heart and there is no method to ensure that.

After meeting with a few friends last night and receiving their encouragement and advice I can’t say that I feel better but I do feel less alone.  I have no idea what Chris would do, we hadn’t reached this point in our parenting together.  And really, what does it matter what he would do, he’s not here to do it.  And yeah, I’m mad about that too.

I may be one of the few that does not believe that Proverbs 22:16 is a promise or a command, it could even be interpreted as a warning.  It’s a proverb.  A proverb is a saying that contains some general truth.   In this case an inspired truth, but a proverb nonetheless.  That being said, without even using this passage to heap mountains of guilt upon myself I still feel like a failure.  As I contemplated this thought this morning after venting my anger to the Lord I wondered if this is where he wants me.  Not in my own confidence as a parent, but in His confidence as Sovereign Lord, even over my children.  Yes, I know, they ultimately belong to Him, but he gave them to me.  And what I’m realizing is that it’s time to give them back.  I can’t even describe how hard this is.  The fear is palpable.

So what promises do I have as a parent?  I have the promise of answered prayer.  We can plant and water (and we should) but God gives the increase.

What does it mean to surrender your children to God?  I’m still learning that.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

Hebrews 11:1

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4 Comments

  1. I’ve been trying to turn in my stretch marks for years. No luck.

    I know this doesn’t help, Nicole. But, I can’t imagine anything that would. You are in my heart, and in my prayers.

  2. I just stopped and prayed for you cuz. I have no answers either but I do know that the beginning and the end of out story is good. Is Paradise. Hold on to hope. Love you guys.

    Jared

  3. Nicole, I don’t know what parenting trials you are going through, and I don’t need to. I will tell you a story though. My dad passed at a pivotal time in my life, 16. His death devastated my mother so much that she basically disappeared into herself for quite some time. What little energy she did have, she invested into my much younger sister, at least as much as she was capable of. I do not blame her for this or for her actions, especially now, as a mother myself. I know it was very hard for her, much more so for a woman of her generation. As for myself, I basically was allowed to run amok for my last two years of high school–very little supervision or questioning about what I did. I did some really stupid things and got off the path my parents had placed me on. It was only because of the goodness of God and the values I had been raised with that I didn’t do worse than what I did. However, while I may have lost sight of the path I should have been on, I did eventually find my way back to it. Whatever is happening with your children, have faith that what you have done so far is in their hearts. You have placed God, love, beliefs, values….so many good things have been planted in them. And that is all you can do. Have faith, trust God, and pray a lot. I will pray too.

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