My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

Change is good, change is sad

Over the last year I have tackled a number of house remodeling projects.  They have been fun.   They have helped pass the time, they have kept me busy, they have given me a purpose.  My house looks really different.  A nice different.  One of the reasons for doing a lot of this remodeling was because Chris and I had already planned most of it together. Another reason was because it needed it, but mostly the reason was to create a space that had no memories of Chris.  I know that sounds awful, but it’s true.   I can’t even being to explain how difficult it is to be in a house where memories are constantly assaulting you…”seeing” him everywhere is really, really hard.  It’s a mixed bag.  You don’t want to lose the memories but you don’t want them always there either.    So this change is good because it gives me a rest emotionally.   But it’s sad because he has never been in the  house that we have now..it’s all different.  He would have loved all the changes.   I remember many a nights us talking and dreaming of all the changes we would make.  And now they are done.  Except he will never see them.  Not that he cares, but I do.  I know he would be glad for us though.

Another change that is good is that I’ve become more independent.  My initial panic over unexpected circumstances is becoming a bit more controlled.  Not always, but I think I’m getting better.  My first instinct is still to call Chris..not sure when that will fade.  The sad part is that the road of independence is often a lonely one.  There are perks to being single, but not near as many as being married, as having a partner, a best friend.  There is certainly something to say for a shared life.

Another change is my children.   My two oldest are fast becoming independent adults. Working full-time jobs. Learning to manage the responsibilities of regular life. My younger three have changed so much in the last year.  They have experienced the hard reality of life at young ages.  All of my children are having to try to live the theology they have been taught.  It’s been hard for me to do that, so I imagine it’s even more difficult for them.  It’s not easy to hold on to your faith sometimes.  It requires faith, that only comes from God.   So they are having to work through some tough things.  Sometimes I think the struggle is just beginning for them.  This requires lots of prayer from their mother. These changes are good and necessary. But they are also sad because they’ve had to struggle this last year trying to figure out this stuff without the wisdom of  their Dad, who really cared about them, who was rooting for them, who was confident in their success and who could answer all the tough questions and make them feel safe.

Of course I know change is inevitable.  And change in the christian life is desirable.  It is God’s plan for us.  To become more like Christ.  It is the undesirable changes that are out of our control, like death and sickness, that are difficult.  Then I remember that these “undesirable” changes are also part of God’s plan and he is using them to refine me and my children. I’m also comforted by the fact that He never changes. This is, oh, so comforting in this world of constant change!

“So we can confidently say,

The Lord is my helper;

I will not fear;

what can man do to me?….

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”

Hebrews 13:6, 8

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2 Comments

  1. Beautifully said, Nicole. I’m praying for you and your children every day. Love you, dear friend.

  2. 🙂 Still praying.

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