Well into the second year…..
of grief and here I sit at my table on this rainy Saturday morning trying to remember what it was like to have coffee with Chris every Saturday morning. It feels like a distant memory that doesn’t hurt anymore. My Saturday mornings now consist of me paying bills, maybe a bit of quiet time reading my Bible or working on my Sunday School lesson. My new normal. I feel good that I was able to create a new normal and I like it and I actually look forward to it.
This second year of grief is not at all meeting my expectations. My expectations were fearful ones. But in reality it has gotten easier. Yesterday I was out shopping and was noticing all the Christmas decorations that were already out in the stores. As I looked at all of them I was shocked that I did not feel the stab of grief that I was expecting. Instead I felt anticipation. Looking forward to the holidays is a great feeling. The relief this brings is huge. I also did not expect to be doing so “okay” emotionally. I am humbled that the Lord has chosen to show grace to me in this area.
Life is still not easy. Exhaustion is a constant companion. Legal issues still dangle. Being a single parent is still the hardest, loneliest job ever. And the grief still does a gut punch occasionally but it’s all manageable.
I feel like I’m different in so many ways. I’m a different mother, a different friend. Passion for the hurting has become foremost in my mind. I’m finding myself trying things that I never would have considered trying before. The latest is teaching a ladies Bible study. Can I just say that the ladies in this study are blessing me in ways that are just so encouraging to me? They are teaching me!
I wish I could say that I have become this super saint through all this suffering, but really what I have learned is that God is so very faithful and I am so very weak. As the Lord has taken this last year to strip away more of my independence and pride I have been able to see how much I need Him. He has walked beside me in my suffering, He has carried me when I was angry and not trusting, He has lifted me up and kept me going when I couldn’t do it on my own. My love for my God, who has been so gracious and caring through all of this, has grown.
and this is the song that was on my mind while I was writing this:
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