My ways…

…are higher declares the Lord Isaiah 55:8-9

Well into the second year…..

of grief and here I sit at my table on this rainy Saturday morning trying to remember what it was like to have coffee with Chris every Saturday morning.   It feels like a distant memory that doesn’t hurt anymore.  My Saturday mornings now consist of me paying bills, maybe a bit of quiet time reading my Bible or working on my Sunday School lesson.  My new normal. I feel good that I was able to create a new normal and I like it and I actually look forward to it.

This second year of grief is not at all meeting my expectations.  My expectations were fearful ones. But in reality it has gotten easier.  Yesterday I was out shopping and was noticing all the Christmas decorations that were already out in the stores.  As I looked at all of them I was shocked that I did not feel the stab of grief that I was expecting. Instead I felt anticipation.  Looking forward to the holidays is a great feeling.  The relief this brings is huge.  I also did not expect to be doing so “okay” emotionally.  I am humbled that the Lord has chosen to show grace to me in this area.

Life is still not easy.  Exhaustion is a constant companion.  Legal issues still dangle.  Being a single parent is still the hardest, loneliest job ever.  And the grief still does a gut punch occasionally but it’s all manageable.

I feel like I’m different in so many ways.  I’m a different mother, a different friend.  Passion for the hurting has become foremost in my mind.  I’m finding myself trying things that I never would have considered trying before. The latest is teaching a ladies Bible study.  Can I just say that the ladies in this study are blessing me in ways that are just so encouraging to me?  They are teaching me!

I wish I could say that I have become this super saint through all this suffering, but really what I have learned is that God is so very faithful and I am so very weak.  As the Lord has taken this last year to strip away more of my independence and pride I have been able to see how much I need Him.  He has walked beside me in my suffering, He has carried me when I was angry and not trusting, He has lifted me up and kept me going when I couldn’t do it on my own.  My love for my God, who has been so gracious and caring through all of this, has grown.

and this is the song that was on my mind while I was writing this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlA5IDnpGhc

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4 Comments

  1. Mary Grover

    You are an encouragement to me and I am praying for all of you.

    • thanks for your prayers Mary 🙂

  2. Amy

    Nicole, you are so encouraging to me. Thanks for your honesty. I still pray for yo and your family often.
    – Amy in Nebraska

    • thanks Amy, where do you live in Nebraska? I forget

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