The second Fall….
without Chris has arrived. Been thinking about this the last couple of days. Went back and read my blogs in October and November.
Last October and November seem so long ago. I was 7/8 months in to the grieving process. Holidays were looming. I remember the feeling of dread of celebrating them without Chris.
This last weekend was full of Homecoming plans for Caleb and Rachel. Other commitments at church and home were also pressing for my attention. I was really feeling the stress of being a single parent. I appreciate the few friends that allowed me to wallow in self-pity for a bit :-). Being pulled in a hundred different directions seems to be a daily occurrence for me. But this weekend the feelings of loss for a Dad that should have been here were strong. I hate experiencing these great moments with my kids without Chris. I hate that he can’t be here for them.
A common theme I see through my blogs is the difficulty of single parenting. I think I can honestly say that so far, it is the hardest part about being a Widow. I really despise it. I have to purpose to not resent this role I now have. Gone is the illusion that I can maintain my home like a two parent family. The reality of juggling the responsibilities of caring for my children, maintaining a job, keeping up with finances and household chores is, well…very real. Never mind trying to spend time with each child, maintaining some sort of haphazard schedule with meals, making it to all their sporting events, school stuff, friends and the list goes on and on.
So this year, as I look out my sliding glass door at the cool, windy day I have a dejavu kind of feeling. Last year at this time I was numb. Was afraid to think about the future. Couldn’t think about anything beyond the day I was living. This year I’m so glad it’s not last year. I’m so thankful that I can enjoy life again. Thankful that I can anticipate the holidays again. And while I don’t feel any more confident of my single parenting then I did last year, I can look back and see on so many occasions how the Lord gave me wisdom and how the Lord used friends in my life to help me. I’ve made lots of mistakes and will probably make lots more. There is still lots I don’t understand. I still ask the Lord “why” many times a day. But I feel peace. And that peace, I think, is from His faithfulness in my life. My only prayer is that through my frailty He will be glorified, somehow, some way.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
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