as a mother.
I want to be the mother that my children deserve. Most days this task seems insurmountable. You aren’t supposed to raise your children by yourself. There’s supposed to be a mom and a dad. I have to be intentional in my parenting. Intentional in my desire to help them become people of integrity and good character. The pressure for this intentionality is heavy. Way heavier than when it was shared. There is no one to pick up my slack, no one to discuss and provide a united front with. I have to pick my battles very carefully. I have to always be prepared. My desire to fight to be a better person, a more forgiving person, a less self-seeking person, a more loving person, a more understanding person, despite my lot, is strong. My children deserve nothing less than the best of what I have to offer them. All mothers will have downs among the wonderful ups of motherhood. That is when we have to pick ourselves back up and get back in the ring of parenting. I’ve never been one to give up, I’m a fighter. But beyond that this hard journey of single parenting always causes me to marvel at the grace of God, his ability to help us through these times in our lives and his ability to place the right people in our lives at the right time.
Tragedy has a way of bringing things to the forefront a lot quicker than if our lives just unfolded the way we were expecting. Crisis brings about change within a person. Generally positive change when a person deals with their pain and loss. I am learning that it is better to not look at the trauma as a crisis but as a valuable, life-changing, learning and growth experience. I have had to learn some lessons because of the loss in my life. Some have been painful. All have been valuable. All have drawn me closer to my Savior.
So while most days I lack confidence in my ability as a single mother and that I have what it takes to help them become people of integrity and good character, I do have complete confidence in the One who gave me my five beautiful children and who chose to take their father. His love for them is far beyond what I can comprehend.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
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