Expect the Unexpected
Ha, is that even possible? I despise the unexpected. Especially when it involves painful emotions.
This morning I had to appear in court for the final proceedings for the insurance settlement through Mr. Powell’s insurance company. In my mind this was just a paperwork thing. Sign a few things, collect a check and be on my way. I had no idea I would have to take the stand, answer a bazillion questions to prove who I was, and assure the court that I realized I was forgoing my right to sue Mr. Powell. I’m aware that’s what a settlement is. But somewhere along the way my feelings did not get the memo. And where was Mr. Powell? Not at the courthouse. There are no requirements for him. No bills for him to pay. Weird. Wrong. Maddening. So Wrong.
Settling, all of a sudden, seemed unacceptable. Settling seems to cheapen the value of life. “Here’s a check to replace your children’s father? hope it’s enough to ease your pain” I know, that’s what I will tell my children next time one of them comes to me missing their Dad..”just a minute sweetie, let me get you a check.”
I’m aware of the reasons all this legal stuff is in place. I get it. I sometimes am smarter than I appear :-). If I was the criminal I’m assuming I would think it was great. But I’m not. My children and I are the victims and we have to settle. It makes me sick. This is one time where I pray to God that Chris cannot see what is going on. I feel like I have failed in pursuing justice for him.
In my mind I’m aware that I have the Hope that someday all wrongs will be made right. I’m struggling to align my feelings with this Hope. I’m struggling to leave the feelings of anger and bitterness at the Cross.
“He is despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.
And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him;
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.
Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;
Yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.
But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.”
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